I cried the other day. Not the beautiful, tragic tears we’ve come to believe is the only ‘right’ way to cry. This was an ugly cry. A cry I had no idea was in me.
Looking back now I understand that I haven’t been myself for a month or so. I just thought I was bored or frustrated or something. I didn’t realize I was denying something deeper. And like so many times before it took something out of my control to happen before the dam burst and I couldn’t deny my feelings anymore.
We’ve been looking for our next home for a couple of years now. I know, I know, we couldn’t have chosen a worse time or market to buy a home but we have a history of going against what we should do when it comes to buying and selling homes. We put our last home up for sale about a month before the last housing market crash…
I still chuckle.
Anyway, we’ve been working with the same agent on and off for all this time. She’s great, laid-back, low pressure but still responsive. Until last week. There was a house we wanted to see so I texted her the address and waited. And waited. And waited. Time is not on our side when it comes to showings so I was getting a little anxious even though I wasn’t too sure this was the property for us.
When I still hadn’t heard from her by the next morning I emailed as well and waited some more. She finally texted me later that afternoon saying she had a migraine was still getting back into the swing of things. Offers on that property we wanted to see had to be in by 10 am the next morning so we skipped it.
Then I cried. I cried at the absurdity and unfairness and how childish I was being. How unstoic…
I was trying to control things that were out of my control and my body, heart, and mind was rebelling against me. They were trying to tell me to let go. They were trying to tell me I had it all backwards. So I cried.
I’m still a little shaky. I’m still finding my footing and reexamining what it is that I really want. In our next house, in my career, in my life. And I wish I knew. I think I do sometimes but then something like this happens and I realize I’m lucky if I know even half of what I’m supposed to. But that’s life. As long as I’m still breathing and keep getting back up when life knocks me down – and I’ve been knocked down a whole hell of a Iot harder than this – still have time to figure it out.
And cry. I will never underestimate the benefit of a good cry again!