When Big Dreams Hit Reality’s Wall

img219I’m a dreamer. A big picture kind of gal. Sure I know there are intermediary steps, but I know where I want to go and be and what I want to do so it’s easy to dismiss them. They are a given. They are already accomplished.

My dreams get bigger every day. Each passing year sees them grow to dizzying heights. Now I’m not a complete idiot. I know that some of them won’t come true, but I also know that if I don’t dream big I will always wonder what I could have done.

The funny part is that these dreams have nothing to do with writing. Either my books – Fallacy, Consequence, and out early 2018 Reconciliation – will be popular or they won’t. I know they’re good – on their way to being great – and they’re finished. Well, two of them anyway. And then there’s my blog. I love writing here for myself and those of you who care to read what I write.

I can’t tell you how much it means to me that some of you take the time to read my writing. It is probably one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me.

Thank you.

Nope these dreams I’m speaking of today are bigger, deeper, scarier. These dreams will require more work than I’ve ever done before. I’ve had people laugh at me when I mistaken thought they would be supportive. I mean literally laugh at me. Not joking. Not kidding. Just straight up they thought I was out of my mind, laughing.

So I keep these dreams to myself, mostly. R.J. is the only one who knows the full extent of my madness. And I will admit I go pretty far out there sometimes, but he’s learned that I don’t think they will happen tomorrow or even that he has to make them happen. Took a lot of pressure off of him and our relationship when we got that straight, let me tell you.

So what are these big dreams, you may be wondering.

Maybe I’ll share them all with you someday, as we accomplish them, but for the sake of this post I will only share one.

I want to own land – lots and lots of land. On a Ted Turner type scale only in Kentucky, Tennessee, or Virginia.

Not to farm, at least not right away. I need to get my 4′ x 4′ garden under control first. Nope I want woods, preferably on a mountain or two. Somewhere where I can walk and not run into people. Somewhere where I know I can tell someone to get off my property and be able to mean it. Somewhere where I won’t see a neighbor unless I make it happen – or their dogs.

The crazy part is that I don’t know why this obsession with owning land started. It’s not like I was raised on a bunch of land or owned a lot of animals. I grew up in a holler in West Virginia with neighbors on either side and across the street.

Maybe I’ll figure it out someday, but if not who cares. It’s what I want. It’s my dream. May take a while to make it happen, but that’s life.

I’ve been living with this dream for over close to a couple of decades now. It’s become something I think about daily. Most of the time I’m able to brush off the obstacles or things that would make owning a lot of land difficult. You know, maintenance, snakes, bears, isolation. To me the benefits have always outweighed those difficulties.

Until yesterday…

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R.J. and I own two beautiful dogs. They’re brothers who have never been apart – except when we take them for walks in the woods. They get a little too crazy if we walk them together so we alternate every other day.

I went to clean one of the dog’s ears yesterday. It wasn’t going to be easy because he is the twitchy one, but I was determined. That’s when I noticed he had some type of bug attached to his ear.

Yep, it was a tick…

It wasn’t like the ticks I had seen growing up. It was hard and looked half dead.

R.J.’s not real good with this kind of thing, so I had him hold Julian’s head (yes, that is our dog’s name, the other one is Ricky – think Trailer Park Boys) while I took a pair of tweezers to pull it out of his ear.

We did look up how to do it properly online and took every precaution. I am also happy to say that Julian is doing just fine – no nasty diseases, but the vet is on speed dial just in case.

But the whole thing was like this huge wall that I ran into face first going about 100 mph. Because I will freely admit that I hope I never have to do that again. It also made me question whether or not I ever want any more animals – ever.

You know, after my dogs and cat goes. I can’t get rid of them. They’re my babies.

Which brings into question my whole life plan of owning half a state. You know my whole life plan for most of my adult life. Because the reality of owning a lot of land is that nature is a bitch and I’m going to have to do things I would rather not do.

Hard things. Things that aren’t acknowledged in polite society or even the suburbs. I know I could do them, but in that moment I didn’t know if I wanted to do them. I didn’t know if I have what it takes to see this dream come true.

This dream upon which all of my other dreams hinge…

See, there is no give in reality’s wall. In fact, it’s got a rough texture that draws blood when you hit it. So even if you hit it well before you get what you think you want, it still costs you.

So did I change my mind? Do I still want all of that land? Do I want to rethink the rest of my life?

Ha, if only I knew. But at least if I decide my dream is still my dream I will be making the decision on firmer ground.

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