I will admit I am feeling envious these days. A lot of people I know are either going on a trip or planning a trip. Some are going to exotic places. Some are just going on a road trip. Either way it feels like a stab in my heart.
But do you want to know the really crazy part? I don’t even enjoy vacations most of the time. Sure I have a good time, but the stress of traveling alone (the airport alone is enough to make we want to stay home) usually makes me think twice about planning a trip. Then there’s the whole change in routine, the fact that I can never sleep soundly in a hotel room, and I retain water like a camel.
So why the hell am I jealous? Is it simply because I want what others have? Or do I hate it when I feel like I’m missing out on something? Or have I been programmed so well by the modern marketing machine that I think I have to do and like everything everyone else is doing?
Thankfully, I’m now able to ask myself these questions before I revert back to my 4-year-old self and throw a full-blown tantrum. But it’s still hard and that confuses me. I have no reason to be jealous of anyone’s life. I am able to do what I love every day.
How many other people can say that?
I’m working toward a dream I’ve had for most of my life and am seeing improvement and success – a little at a time – every day.
I don’t need to work at a job that I hate with people I can barely tolerate for 51 weeks a year just to be able to relax for a few days and then go right back to it. Because lets face it always takes a day or two to unwind enough to stop bitching even on vacation.
Oh, and did I mention that going on vacation stresses me out?
Maybe it’s just the concept that gets to me. The idea of being able to set aside cares and worries and responsibilities for a while to just relax and have fun. Everyone should be able to do that, right? And not just for 1 or 2 weeks out of the year.
I’m not going to spread the bull shit that being on vacation is a state of mind (although it is) and we could live that way all the time. I know how hard it is to work for an asshole and deal with idiots. I’ve been there. I know that feeling you get late Sunday night when what little enjoyment you had over the weekend is replaced with the dread of whatever you refused to think about will be looking your square in the face Monday morning.
So I have to ask again why the hell am I jealous now that I don’t have to deal with that?
I wish I could give you a logical answer. There is no logic to jealousy or envy. Because logically all I would have to do is look at what I do have and realize there’s no reason to feel that way. I have everything I need and most of what I want and what I don’t have I am working toward getting.
And – here’s the best part – I can take a day when the weather is perfect to do absolutely nothing without all the hassle and headache of requesting the day from a workaholic boss who doesn’t get it.
Maybe all it takes is a good reminder to realize that if there’s something missing in my life it’s up to me to change it. If someone has something that I don’t have it’s not their fault I don’t have it.
Being angry at them is pointless especially since most of the time it’s something I don’t really want…