So there have been a lot of changes in my life recently – too many to really go into here. And really the specifics don’t matter, because I have found that the concept of change overall is what messes me up. That and finally understanding that I’ve been lying to myself for quite sometime about needing to change.
Come on, who’s with me?
I just drank a bottle of water, that’s why I’m 3 pounds heavier – forget about the whole bag of chips I ate after dinner. I’m allergic to wine, that’s why my head hurts this morning and I don’t want to get out of bed – forget about the fact that I drank the whole bottle in one sitting. That person doesn’t get me at all, that’s why they avoid me at work, family functions, etc – forget about the fact that I treat that person like shit more often than not and am always complaining about something.
It’s almost cliche now – the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.
Then why is it so hard if it’s become cliche. Why am I close to tears then knowing I have a problem, admitting to myself I have a problem, and saying I have a problem?
Again, no specifics. Everyone has a problem with something. We’ve all been hurt, screwed over, abused in some way shape or form. It’s so easy to let that mistreatment morph into something far worse – an excuse. An excuse to never change, to hang on to the past, and hurt other people or ourselves.
Nobody told me that eating or drinking or whatever to make the pain go away was self-destructive behavior. And I didn’t want to know once I became an adult. Not until now. Not until I realized that if I ever want to get anywhere close to accomplishing my goals in this life I have to cut out the habits and behaviors that are shortening my life.
Me – no one else. Me.
I have to take the steps to change. I am taking the steps to change my life.
And it sucks!
That doesn’t mean that I won’t do it. I’m pretty good about that. Once I make up my mind to do something I don’t quit until it’s done. That’s why I procrastinated all these years to make up my mind to change my lifestyle. 🙂
So I’ve taken the first few steps to real personal change today – and it sucks! I’m scared, I’m hungry, I’m nervous, and I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want anyone to know that I have a problem and I need to change.
So I’m writing this. I’m throwing open the windows in doors and letting all of you out there know that I need to change. I am taking responsibility for my behavior and in doing so I hope some of you out there who’ve been procrastinating or laying blame at someone else’s door will find the courage to take the same step. Not for anyone else, but for you, knowing that by being willing to make changes you will be a happier, healthier version of you.